9 alternative retirement plans for poor planners

9 alternative retirement plans for poor planners9 alternative retirement plans for poor plannersBy age 35 you should have saved twice your salary in a retirement account. Now some of you might be asking, what is a retirement account? Were not sure either.Lets face it its expensive to be alive and way too expensive to save. Trying to plan ahead for the inevitable day when youre too feeble to work can be impossible.Never fear Here are 9 alternative retirement options that dont involve any savings.1. Start a communeStart a commune for other seniors who have no money. Its so much cheaper to pack 15 WalMart greeters into a 3-bedroom ranch than it is to live by yourself. Plus, as the leader of the commune, you can charge a small monthly stipend from each resident, that way you dont have to get a part-time job. Its good to be queen2. Become a Guinea Pig for scienceMedical trials need participants to test poorly researched medication for a myriad of human disease and theyre willing to pay up . Lucky for you theyre perpetually advertising on daytime TV. Sure, theres a chance of horrendous side effects (like death) but who wants to live in a world without money?3. Become a nunThe Catholic Church is in short supply of sisters these days which is an outstanding opportunity not to be homeless. Nuns get free housing, free food and a lot of free time pretending to pray. Are you a man? Dont worry no one is going to notice under that bad habit.4. Steal your grandchildrens identitiesChances are theyre too young to realize someone has defaulted on a townhouse in their name or racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt. The best way not to get caught is to take out as many cash advances as you can as quickly as possible. Then head for Mexico.5. Move into the abandoned periodicals section of your local libraryWith all of the worlds knowledge at our fingertips via the interwebs, the once mighty periodical section of the library is less visited than the local mall. No one will notice your camping stove and sleeping bag next to that microfiche reader when fruchtwein of us arent even sure what a microfiche reader is. Bonus, the endless supply of ancient Time Magazines makes lovely kindling.6. Pretend youre visiting friends at a nursing home by day, sleep in a utility closet by nightThe nursing home staff and residents will appreciate your kindness and dedication for visiting so regularly they wont even notice youre stealing leftovers and catching naps in vacant beds before you retire to your cozy new home next to the water heater.7. Convince a wealthy family that youre the new butlerPut on your Sunday best and find the nearest estate when you arrive knock on the door and let them know the agency sent you. Rich people have agencies for everything, and they wont question you. Once inside all youll have to do is speak with a British accent, open doors and ring a bell for dinner.8. Make like a tree and move into the local botanical gardenHead on do wn to WalMart for the finest head to toe camo ensemble. Now fill that ensemble with leafy branches, climb into the most densely forested part of the greenhouse and stand there all day for the rest of your life. You can eat out of the gift shop/cafe at night. Be sure to keep your mouth open when the sprinklers come on, so you dont get dehydrated.9. Turn to a life of crimeI recommend starting out as a bank robber. Once youve ridden that wave of crime sprees into prison, youll be treated to three square meals, a bed and the best healthcare tax money can buy. Not to mention youll be in the best shape of your life from working out in the yard with all your new friends. Youll also have plenty of free time to read, do crossword puzzles and heck youve always talked about going back to school to finally get that degree in fine art nows your chance.There are so many wonderful alternatives to saving and investing your whole life. Dont let society dictate your retirement goals. Put that sevent h trip to Cancun on your credit card. Buy those trendy designer fur pants. Dont let the siren song of moving into 55+ housing in thirty years kill your dreams today.This satire piece originally appeared on Cooper Review.